thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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