Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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