hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Randomize
