The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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