Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
