im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
