Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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