I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
