the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize