i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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