We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
