on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
