i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Randomize
