My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Randomize
