i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Randomize
