it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
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