When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Randomize
