I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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