What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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