I didn't shave. On purpose
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
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Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
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Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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