so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Randomize
