I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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