I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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