I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
So apparently I’m into choking now
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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