Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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