I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I wish you could order shots online.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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