I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
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