Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
i came on her dog
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
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