yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
