i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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