I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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