Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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