ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
