Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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