I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up