when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.