Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
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