Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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