I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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