were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
