At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
