Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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