FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Randomize
