i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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