i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Randomize
