Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
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