Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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