she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
