ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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