i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
