Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize
