Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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