dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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