atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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