ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
