Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
