just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
