I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
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